How to Communicate With Your Spouse
It’s Not All About You
Negotiation is the most valuable tool any couple preparing for marriage can possess. From the simplest issues to the biggest, all of them can be negotiated into a situation that strengthens your marriage and makes life a happier experience. Everything from daily responsibilities to lifelong goals can be negotiated in a manner where both parties get what they need. It does involve recognizing what is truly important to each person, including giving up a little of what you want to ensure everyone gets what they need.
If you’re involved in a relationship with a person that is not emotionally mature enough to negotiate then you should probably think long and hard about getting married. Merging two lives is complicated enough without having this extremely valuable tool at your disposal. There are some situations when simple negotiation may not meet a couple’s needs. If you encounter this, you likely need a third party to intervene. A premarital counselor can help you both step outside of yourselves and see each other’s side a bit more clearly.
Imagine for a moment that you and your partner are sitting at a table, and tied to a third chair is a healthy, happy relationship. Your job is to negotiate your needs and wants between the two of you so the healthy, happy relationship hostage can be freed. It is the most promising way to release the problems in a proactive way before they can interfere with your relationship. It will require that at least one partner be committed. It’s ideal if both people are completely dedicated to the process, but in reality that may not always be the case. The hope is that once the other party sees how much they can get out of this process they will see the benefit and get involved.
Negotiation may be as a simple as agreeing that you will clean the kitchen but he will take responsibility of taking out the trash. This leaves a clear cut plan to avoid harmful bickering before it can start. This is one simple example, but throughout your engagement and your marriage you can negotiate every issue, even sex.
Negotiating Sex
OK, this may sound weird, but it’s time to address men’s fears about an eventual stale or non-existent sex life, should they get married. It is possible to quell those fears using the art of negotiation. You agree up front to keep the bedroom active and he agrees to speak up if he has needs that are not being met. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should submit every other day, it just means that you will agree to stay engaged and to recognize his needs. In return, he agrees to recognize that there will be times that you are not into it and he gives you a little time and a little extra romance. As awkward as it may seem at first, it’s a realistic way to confront his fears about monogamy and ensure both your needs are met.
Practice makes perfect when it comes to the art of negotiation. You will figure it out as you go. Please post any results or questions on our blog so others may benefit from your experience or help you along.
Can You Hear Me Now?
Communication is an integral component of any successful partnership. Without healthy communication you will continually argue over the same things again and again and never really get to the heart of each issue. If you are currently engaged and suffering from a lack of communication, this must improve or your relationship won’t stand a chance.
Effective communication involves two people who want to listen and resolve issues. One-sided communication is akin to one person rowing a boat. You will go in circles and never reach your destination. You can gauge your communication with one simple question: Do you have the same arguments over and over again? If the answer is yes, you both need a new strategy.
There are three types of communication: aggressive, passive and assertive. Aggressive communication works well for dictators but not for spouses. Passive communication will not allow you to ask for what you want — you will get nothing using this style. Assertive communication is the one you want to aim for. This style allows both of you to state your case, express any needs or feelings you have and say no when something is outside of your comfort zone.
Some tips to remember:
- Avoid using the words “always” or “never”
- Don’t expect your partner to read your mind
- Avoid sarcasm as a defense mechanism
- Don’t curse or name-call under any circumstances
If you follow these guidelines and you make an attempt to truly hear what your partner is saying you can avoid misunderstandings and walk away from your discussions without bitterness and anger. You will finally feel like you are leaving the table with some results. You can also try what is called the “mirror technique.” This will force both of you to fine tune your listening skills. As one partner makes a point the other will state what they just heard them say and then make their point. It may seem silly at first but you will quickly find out that often we don’t hear what the other person is trying to say. We let our own thoughts interfere with our listening. After time this will become a natural routine.
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