How to Deal With Cheating
Marriage and Infidelity
This uncomfortable topic is one that has to be discussed realistically. If you and your potential mate have not dealt with infidelity, now is the time to negotiate the topic. You have the right to set clear boundaries and expect appropriate behavior from your potential spouse. This article is geared toward the female gender simply because the statistics predict that men cheat more often. No offense to any gentleman reading this but women tend to have more fear of dealing with infidelity and are more damaged by it. The advice ahead is meant for any gender though.
If you have never been cheated on you can consider yourself very lucky. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that infidelity touches everyone in some form throughout life. If you have experienced a parent cheating when you were a child or while you were in a relationship, you likely have a tremendous fear of facing that pain. This can carry over into all relationships, causing real problems like extreme jealousy and anxiety. It is very normal to have some fears that your partner could or will cheat on you. Keeping those fears and worries in context is something you have to learn to do. What is important to remember is that you cannot put your childhood issues or previous infidelity experiences on your new partner.
When you are in a committed relationship it should be par for course that you trust your partner until they give you reason not to. We have all known couples where one spouse doesn’t know that they are married to a cheater. You feel sorry for them and you feel the humiliation even if they don’t. You cannot assume that all men are hound dogs. You cannot allow the fear of being the clueless spouse or the last one to know to rule your life or your relationship.
It seems to get to the point with some people that one spouse is so jealous that they fundamentally ruin the future of the relationship with their jealous behaviors. Some of this jealousy may even be justified. For example, if your potential mate has shown behaviors that are questionable and not conducive to a committed relationship, then you have cause to be worried. Ruining your own life by monitoring his is never worth it. The sad fact is that you can never stop another person from cheating. You cannot be with them every minute of the day. Spending your time searching their wallet, clothes or e-mail for clues can drive a person mad. If you have reached this point and are still considering marriage you need to stop and get real with yourself. Marriage doesn’t stop jealousy or cheating — period.
Let’s say for example that you’re engaged to someone that you feel has been loyal and has not given you reason to distrust them. That’s great and the topic can just be left alone. If you are considering marriage to someone who has cheated on you in the past or has behaved in questionable ways, then its time to negotiate. Approach them in a calm manner and lay out what is acceptable to you and what is not. They have the right to do the same. If either of you cannot agree to the terms, then you are not ready for marriage. If there have been previous infidelities from one or both partners, you can heal if it’s dealt with honestly and in fact can come out stronger than ever. You likely have a pretty good idea where you both stand on the topic, thus you know if it’s an issue that needs attention.
Deciding whether you can forgive your partner for former infidelity must come before the wedding. You will not feel differently after the wedding. You know if your mate is sorry and deeply understands the pain they have caused you. If they treat it as “no big deal” or “get over it now,” they are not serious about changing. If this scenario seems familiar you are not ready for marriage. At least not with your current partner.
How to Fight Fair | Marriageon 23 Sep 2008 at 4:43 am 1[...] are of course scenarios when your response may be uncontrollable due to extreme anger such as infidelity. This case is of course quite different. You cannot be expected to measure your response when your [...]