Getting Ready for Children
Here Comes Baby
How many kids do you want? How many does your potential mate want? Let’s discuss this potential deal-breaker in the forthright manner it deserves. There is no bigger decision a couple can make than how big to grow their family. In the old days the decision was not really a big deal because, aside from abstinence, people had so little control over it. Nowadays, with all the styles of birth control available people have become used to family planning.
Throughout this site we discuss many topics that can be negotiated before you marry but this one needs special care. Meeting in the middle between the two kids your partners wants and the four you want potentially means two more humans your partner will no doubt love but possibly feel bitter about. When your fiancee tells you that they want fewer or more kids, never assume that you will change their mind. It is possible that their feelings will change but it’s too important to leave to chance.
It is entirely possible to work out a deal that you will leave the topic open after you are married. Who knows if you will want six kids after you experience having three? Maybe you strike a deal that you will have one child a year after marriage and then revisit the topic. You would both need to be willing to stick to this deal and the spouse who wants more children would need to be willing to reduce their expectation. It would not be fair to marry someone who says they don’t want kids or only wants a couple of children and then coerce them into having kids or having more than they wanted.
There are many people who have unfortunately married others who are not interested in having children, thinking that person will change. This will almost always lead to heartbreak and the dissolution of the marriage.
When deciding if you are ready for marriage, there is no topic more important than this. You have to speak honestly and encourage your mate to do the same. Don’t be surprised if they need some time to think it over. Not everyone dreams of having children, they come to it a bit later in life. Your potential spouse may not have ever really given the topic deep thought. Encourage them to take all the time they need to consider their answer. When they respond with an answer, make sure you completely hear them out. Sometimes, people don’t fully understand the meaning of having a large family. They approach it more technically. They think about the lost weekends with their friends, the money and the more expensive, roomy house. These are all legitimate reasons that qualify the need for time to ponder.
It is also entirely possible that neither of you really know what size family you want. If you don’t already have kids it’s a challenge to imagine life with three or four. Maybe you are both willing to take on one at a time and see how you feel. If you can both truly and honestly accept this plan, then that is a good sign that you are mature enough to consider marriage. Knowing that you both want at least one opens up the door to discussion after the reality of having one arrives.
Before You Say "Yes" | Marriageon 17 Sep 2008 at 10:52 pm 1[...] planning. Do you both want children? How many? How soon? There are several different aspects of building a family to consider, all of [...]