While there are abused men in this world, women are eight times more likely than a man to be abused, so this discussion will be gender appropriate.

There are signs everywhere when you or someone you know is suffering abuse. If anyone thinks that getting married is going to change anything, they are in heavy denial and need a wake-up call. There can be many red flags when people are in a new relationship and women need to learn to listen and watch for them. When they recognize them they need to run before it escalates to physical abuse or worse.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

• Do you walk on eggshells so as not to anger him? Does your partner exhibit extreme jealousy or control? Does he threaten or coerce you into sex? Does he try to control where, when and why you go anywhere?
• Does he check up on you, follow you or review your text messages and phone calls?
• Does your partner try to limit your access to your support system like friends and family?
• Do they blame you for their out-of-control behavior or loss of control?
• Does he view you as a secondary citizen, his property or a sex object?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the red flag is flying in your face. Ignore it at your own peril. Never allow anyone to strip you of your support system in this life. Abusers like to alienate you so they can have their way and you will have nowhere to turn. There is not much of a difference between physical and mental abuse except where the bruises are left. Physical abuse scars you inside and out while emotional and mental abuse scar your heart and soul. If you marry this person he will not change over the long term. You will change. You will begin to believe the belittling comments and begin to say them to yourself.

In time, you will lose sight of who you are. You should not marry anyone who is exhibiting any of the signs mentioned above. If this is a new relationship don’t fool yourself into thinking they won’t worsen over time. It is possible to get professional help but the abuser must be committed to the process. It is vitally important that the abuser recognizes his behavior and wants to get help. You know deep down if this is a possibility. If your gut is telling you that he is never going to change then you know that you are not ready for marriage or ready to even consider continuing the relationship.

Compatibility is a tricky subject when it comes to love. You may find yourself falling for someone who is different from you in every way. You might end up marrying the opposite-sex version of yourself.

What is Compatibility?

The keys to compatibility are actually more complex than all of that. Compatibility is all about complementing each other. This does not require shared interests or a forced attempt at common activities. There are some key questions you can ask yourself that may give you a better idea of you and your potential partner’s compatibility.

Do you treat each other with respect? This may seem to be a simple inquiry but its one of the most important questions you will ever answer. If you cannot honestly say yes then you are not currently ready for marriage. Can this be improved? Absolutely. It will take some effort on both of your parts but its possible to take a step back and retool the way you treat each other.

How do you as a couple handle loss, fighting and personal issues? Throughout your courtship and marriage you will face the challenges of life together. You will face death, disappointment, and everyday annoyances. So far, how have you handled these together? Are you resilient and do you work together to solve problems? Are you both prepared to learn skills that will lead to problem-solving discussions instead of arguing over who’s right?

Do you and your potential mate enjoy each others company? Being married means seeing a lot of each other. If you don’t enjoy that time you’re in for a big headache. No one wants to spend every minute together but there should be a healthy yearning for the other’s company.

Do you and your potential spouse make an effort to work on your relationship? Relationships are not effortless. They require diligent attention in order for them to thrive and survive. If you are not yet married and already notice a lack of attention to your relationship from one or both of you, that is a red flag that should not be ignored.

These questions are only a few of the important issues to address when considering marriage. Within this site are many more questions and answers to aid you in your decision. Explore each page carefully for hints and tips to strengthen your relationship before you tie the knot. Also, visit FindingaPerfectWife.com for additional tips and suggestions.

So, you’re engaged. Congratulations and best wishes.

Determining if Counseling is Right for You

What if I told you that you could vastly improve your chances of marital success by investing minimal time with premarital counseling? Counseling prior to marriage eliminates many of the sometimes unpleasant surprises that pop up when two dynamic personalities merge into one. Your only real question should be whether you seek counseling from clergy or a professional.

Only you can answer that question for yourself. For most people, clergy is a less expensive option and can be just as rewarding. If you know a priest, rabbi or church elder that you would be comfortable being completely honest with and whose opinion you trust, it may be the right path for you. My one concern with the clergy option is the sex issue. Sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship and the thought of getting down and dirty on the issue with a priest makes one feel uncomfortable just thinking of it. However, you may feel differently.

Professional premarital counseling brings you into a clinical atmosphere where no topic is out of bounds. You also get the benefit of a highly educated professional who can assess your relationship and communication strategies.

If you are nearing your wedding date and feeling very uneasy about your readiness for marriage, you may benefit more in a clinical setting where individual counseling may be recommended. This is not a sign of mental weakness. It’s simply a professional opinion, helping you deal with your personal issues so they don’t play out negatively in your married life.

Let’s face it. We all walk into a marriage with a past. Every one’s past includes insecurities, failures, successes and issues. Depending on your childhood you could be harboring abandonment issues or infidelity insecurities. This doesn’t mean anything except that you are perfectly normal, but you can deal with these things outside of your relationship. Premarital counseling can be an ideal time to gauge if you are ready for marriage. You have to be prepared to accept the answer you arrive at even if it means postponing your nuptials.

For most premarital counseling participants, you will find that you are normal and need only communicate about your past so that your spouse understands you better. Your partner may not understand why you react harshly to certain situations. Once they know the narrative behind it, it makes it easier to react. Premarital counseling is the first step to showing a healthy respect for all the difficulties you will face in a marriage.

It’s Time to Clean House

If you are engaged or are currently trying to gauge if you are ready for marriage and have found the perfect spouse, there is a subject that can cause many arguments. It is a topic that can be negotiated and addressed upfront. You and your potential mate can save yourselves a lot of heartache if you plan for it now. It’s probably not something you would imagine could cause some of the most contentious arguments imaginable — housework and household responsibilities.

Now you may already be living together and have a general idea of the frustration that sets in when two very different people come together under one roof. Let’s say he’s tidy and you’re not. Or, vice-versa. Are you and your partner prepared to change some of your habits? Using the art of negotiation, you can make a plan that sets limits on your own bad habits while respecting both parties’ differences.

Place a sheet of blank paper on a table between you and start the bargaining process. If you take sole responsibility for the kitchen, then the other has to agree to put their dishes in the dishwasher and clean up after themselves. Who will do the yard work? Do you enjoy it? Does your partner? If you both hate it and there is room in your budget, then outsource it. Can’t afford that option? Negotiate a solution that works. Perhaps you can do it together two hours a month. You could even change your landscaping to a less time-consuming set up. The point here is that there is always middle ground.

You are one of those people who makes your bed every day, but your partner figures “Why make it, you’re just going to sleep in it again?” Maybe in this scenario you choose not to fight it and take that responsibility on your own. What will likely end up happening is that over time, your partner will get so used to the tidy look that they will find themself straightening up the bed if you forget. Your behavior changes their behavior without them even realizing. Worst case scenario? You make the bed for 50 years and skip the potentially constant fight over it.

The piece of paper between you is a great tool for visually backing up your plan. Once you allow each other to take on their strengths and negotiate each other’s weaknesses into a workable plan, you are both most likely going to stick to it.

Always keep in mind one very important point: Approach your partner when you are not fighting about the dishes. Approach them at a time when things are cool and calm. Convince them that you’re going to hold up your end of the bargain. Often we will be pleasantly surprised at just how willing people are to negotiate when approached correctly, fairly and calmly.

Give and Take

It’s all too often that people think signing a piece of paper, making a toast and eating some cake in front of family and friends will solidify your devotion to each other. In most cases this is a fallacy. There is no magic paper on which your marriage license or vows are written that can produce these results alone. The relationship you have prior to the wedding is the relationship you will have after, unless you and your partner are willing to accept certain responsibilities and make your expectations known. If your partner is not willing to address this in a proactive way, it’s unlikely you will see major changes. However, you can try altering your behavior to see positive results in yourself and hopefully in your partner.

You have probably heard a million times that people don’t change but circumstances do, that is only half true. People change, but normally it’s not due to pressure from a loved one. Circumstances change people! People change their behavior everyday. When certain types of behavior don’t lead to results, you change them. If eating cake three times a day causes you to gain weight you switch to better food. When a behavior isn’t postively reinforced, people change that behavior more often than not.

Your job as a spouse is to never attempt to force change on your partner but to command change within yourself first. You are the one who decides how someone will treat you, and it’s your responsibility to teach everyone in your life how to treat you. If your mate gets the reaction they want out of you by yelling, than they will continue to yell to get what they want. So never compromise your self-worth when compromising for marriage.

Married with Children

If you are engaged to be married to your children’s father, then chances are you’re probably pretty familiar with your fiancee. Having a child together is an intensely emotional experience and can bring you closer together. It is vitally important that you ask yourself one question. Am I marrying him/her because of the child/children?

While it’s honorable to parent your children together, it is a myth that getting married for the kids is always the right thing to do. Throughout life we all know the couple or couples that stay together for the kids. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. Imagine a world where couples stay together based only on the situation on the ground; the actual state of the relationship. You do children no favors when you stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. Children absorb everything around them and they learn by watching your example.

In a world where abuse and unhappiness are too prevalent, show your daughter and son how to change that in their own life. You would never want them to marry someone for the wrong reason. Teach them to take control of their life by working hard at all relationships and if something isn’t working show them how to change their circumstances. For example, not enough value is placed on teaching little girls that they can leave relationships that can’t work, that will never work. Maybe that is why so many women stay in unhappy relationships or even marry someone they know will not bring them maximal happiness.

We can’t tell you whether or not to marry your kids father. We can only promise you that a wedding will not change your relationship. Yes, the honeymoon period is nice, but every problem will wait for you. Life will return to normal and all the same pressures and responsibilities will exist. If you didn’t handle them well prior to marriage it will not change because you’re both wearing a ring.

The bottom line here is that your kids are too important to pretend you are marrying their parent for their sake. That decision needs to be solely about your compatibility and how well the two of you handle the challenges of parenthood and marriage. If it works out and your kids get both their parents living under the same roof, great! If not, you should work towards the healthiest co-parenting relationship you can devise. In the long run you and your kids will be better off.

The Importance of Arguing

Some people operate under the false pretense that fighting in a relationship is a sign of weakness or that a good relationship means never fighting. Nothing could be further from the truth. Healthy fighting can clear the fog between a couple and leave them in a better place if done in the right way. On the other hand, unproductive fighting leaves issues unresolved in the end — you find yourself saying the same words over and over again to the point of feeling crazy.

It is a fact that the only control you have is over your own actions and responses. When a fight starts, you have to learn to bite your tongue and let your partner speak and really listen to what they have to say. You will begin to discover that rarely, if ever, is the topic of the fighting the actual issue at hand. You have to learn to listen and control your response until you’re in in the right frame of mind to respond. Sometimes that could be days later. Then you approach your partner, let them know you were listening, take responsibility for your part of the issue and assure them that you will do your part to change things and encourage them to do the same.

You may be thinking your partner isn’t the emotional, touchy feely type. Even if they aren’t, you can convert your partner over time. You will eventually find them using the same technique with you. We all have to get over wanting to win the fight we are in. When a loving, dedicated couple fights it needs to be a fight for the health of the relationship, not so one or the other can be right. I have shared this tactic with friends and almost always I get an e-mail from the skeptics, shocked at how quickly their behavior change morphed into a change from their partner. Fighting is an important part of a relationship and should not be discounted. It is not a signal that you are incompatible, it is a reminder that your both living, breathing, feeling human beings. Remember a few basic principles the next time you are in an argument. Stop, listen, control your response, give some time for thought and respond only when you can truthfully see the real issue and your share of responsibility for it.

There are of course scenarios when your response may be uncontrollable due to extreme anger such as infidelity. This case is of course quite different. You cannot be expected to measure your response when your heart is lying on the floor, broken. In this situation you must immediately become very selfish. That’s right, selfish. Do what you need to survive and look yourself in the mirror in the morning. Almost always this level of anger calls for some time apart. You have to go through the grieving process as a part of your relationship dies in that moment. Outside these more serious scenarios, arguing over little everyday annoyances once in a while can be productive. If you follow this advice with a willing partner you will slowly find that when two people take their share of responsibility or just admit when they are wrong, the ferocity of the argument is reduced from a possible hurricane to a slow breath.

Top Ten No-No’s When Arguing

While all couples argue, disagreements have the potential to become detrimental to a relationship if not handled correctly. Keeping these ten points in mind while feuding with your spouse will keep your arguments healthy and your relationship strong.

1. Pointing Blame - Avoid the word “you” while expressing your point to your partner. Approaching the subject with “I” will ensure a much smoother and less hostile disagreement. Example: “I am hurting because I feel as though I am not getting enough attention.”
2. Name Calling - Calling your partner names is like throwing gasoline on an already lit fire. Not only will it make the argument at hand much more venomous, it will create bitterness that will carry out far longer than the life of the dispute.
3. Shouting - Raising your voice can create unnecessary tension. The initial reaction to shouting is defensiveness, which will prolong the resolution.
4. Cursing - Cursing at your spouse will instantly put them on the defense.
5. Discussing the Problem in the Heat of the Moment - Trying to resolve the matter while tension is at an ultimate high will do nothing to accomplish the ultimate goal - finality through compromise. In the end, it will create a yelling match that will eventually lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
6. Leave the Situation Without Saying You Need a Minute - It is perfectly reasonable to let your partner know that you need some time to think when an argument erupts. It tells your partner that that the disagreement is important to you, and you need some time to think it over rationally. However, walking away from the situation in anger and without warning will give the sense that you have no interest in hearing your partner out.
7. Bring Up Another Argument - You must first resolve one topic before moving to the next.
8. Getting Personal - Do not point out personal flaws or insecurities in your spouse. This will create hurt feelings that could potentially be irreconcilable.
9. Be Overly Expressive - Many people are naturally expressive when they speak. Take care to tone down your body language during an argument, as it opens up the possibility for your partner to feel as though you are much more upset than you actually are.
10. Show Disinterest - Whether you feel the subject matter is important or not, share in the discussion and show your partner that you are interest in their concerns.

Everyone Has Their Say

It is essential that both parties feel as though they have been heard and understood in order to come to a compromise. It is difficult for either partner to let the issue rest until they are at peace with their concerns and feel satisfied with the response they receive.

A tip for making certain that both people have said everything necessary is to incorporate an object into your arguments; a fairy wand, a stick, a ball, etc. Whomever has the object is granted permission to speak without needing to worry that they will be interrupted or spoken over.

The Importance of Conclusion

Concluding an argument is essential in order to carry on a loving, lasting relationship. Failure to resolve a disagreement will create bitterness, as the feelings that have accumulated will only build and stir, forming a wall of resentment between the couple. Without tending to unresolved feelings, you are leaving the door open for the same topic to arise over and over again.

A decided resolution should be made up of compromise, which will build strength in your relationship. Coming to an agreed solution for the issues that are being discussed together will create a bond in your relationship and give you a sense of success as a unit.

Are You Arguing Effectively?

Healthy arguing is crucial for building a strong marriage. Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, and if done correctly, can result in positive changes and communication building. In order to argue healthy, both parties must contribute equally, and in a calm and controlled manner. It is imperative that everyone involved feels as though they have been heard, and that their concerns have been addressed. An argument should never be left unresolved, even if it means agreeing to disagree if it has been determined that a common ground cannot be met. Failing to execute conflict resolution properly will result in hostility and resentment in one or both parties, and will therefore drive a wedge between the couple.

If you and your partner are arguing healthy, you will both feel a sense of satisfaction after the discussion has come to an end. If either party feels as though they have given more than they have received, and does not feel as though the argument has benefited them in any way, then animosity will set in. The bitterness created will embed itself deep in the mind of the dissatisfied party and, inevitably, will cause the same issue to arise time and time again; likely until it has either been resolved, or it has destroyed the relationship.

How to Argue Healthy

There are a few key components that should always be present while engaging in an argument. These are essential in order to ensure that the end result will reflect positively on your relationship and progress the level of communication. Incorporating these six steps will help both you and your partner feel as though you’ve been heard and understood, making the conflict and it’s resolution a success.

1. Avoid placing blame by being conscious of the words you are using. Say how you feel about what happened as opposed to explaining why what they did was wrong.
2. Take turns speaking. Address your concerns, and then pause to allow your spouse time to do the same without interruption.
3. Listen to what they are saying with open ears and an open mind. Chances are they have a different view of the scenario that you didn’t consider.
4. Discuss possible solutions that cover concerns presented by both sides.
5. Come to an agreement on a resolution that will satisfy both of you and prevent the same issue from coming up again. It is important that both parties comply with the decided solution, so make sure that it is clear, without discrepancy.
6. A few days or weeks later, address the progress you’ve experienced as a couple that is a direct result of the argument. Be sure to take notice if your partner has complied with the decision that was made, and let them know that you appreciate their compromise.

Fulfilling Your Partners Needs

When involved in a partnership, it is important that both persons feel their needs are being met. As each individual has their own unique desires, it is best to set some time aside to discuss one another’s expectations. Just as it is the responsibility of your spouse to fulfill your wants, it is your responsibility to make them known.

Being in a healthy, loving relationship is hard work, and is not something to be taken in stride. Listen to your partner’s desires, and execute the necessary steps to ensure that they are being met in every way possible. Making an effort to create a sense of fulfillment for your spouse shows them that you truly care. That, alone, has the potential to make a world of difference.

Marriage: What No One Will Ever Tell You

This article may seem depressing at first, but it’s actually filled with good news. There are some truths about marriage that no one seems to want to discuss with a happily engaged couple. I am not one of those people. I will tell you the dirty truth of marriage, but like a fairy tale, it comes with a happy ending.

Marriage is a roller coaster ride. There are periods of highs and lows. There are loops that toss you upside down, sometimes twice in a row. Occasionally, the whole situation leaves you feeling a bit nauseous. It’s fun and scary and sometimes you feel as if you are holding on for dear life. And other times, you whiz by the operator and scream “Stop the ride, I want off.” Now, you would think after this description that no one would ever be ready for that, but here’s the key to the first secret.

The highs are unlike the best ride yet invented. The feelings that overtake you when that rush of love hits are better than any pill. When you lie in bed at night and stare at that face next to you, wishing silently that you could crawl inside them so you could finally feel close enough — you ache to be so close for a moment that even being wrapped in their arms doesn’t feel close enough. These precious moments — when your spouse is away on a trip and you see them walking toward you as they return, both talking at once, hugging and kissing like that weekend away was a whole year, the belly laughs that only the two of you can share, laughing and unable to look at the other or it will start all over — carry us through.

The price you pay for these highs are the lows and the loops. Being ready for them does make it any easier. These lows I speak of aren’t the normal challenges of life you may imagine. It’s those scary moments when you feel close and your partner feels far away. In the course of a relationship any couple has these periods of time. The longer you are together and the happier you are together makes these lows seem easier after a while. You give them their space and hope for the best. You stand by until they find their way back. It is normal and healthy to disconnect for a short time and remember yourself. It is up to you to judge how long is healthy and how much space to give. Hopefully you know your partner well enough to determine this. In the end, those loops tend to happen so fast that they are over before you know it and you come out stronger on the other side.

In actuality, a successful marriage can be a positive roller coaster. If you had highs with no lows how would you ever know how sweet the highs are. The beauty of marriage is the best friend and the person you love most in the world holds your hand for most of the ride. Marriage can be scary, but it is certain to create the greatest intimacy you will ever feel in your life. It is so worthwhile if you have the right partner next to you. There is never any shame in admitting you are not ready to get on the ride just yet. Honesty with yourself will make you a better person and partner.

Here Comes Baby

How many kids do you want? How many does your potential mate want? Let’s discuss this potential deal-breaker in the forthright manner it deserves. There is no bigger decision a couple can make than how big to grow their family. In the old days the decision was not really a big deal because, aside from abstinence, people had so little control over it. Nowadays, with all the styles of birth control available people have become used to family planning.

Throughout this site we discuss many topics that can be negotiated before you marry but this one needs special care. Meeting in the middle between the two kids your partners wants and the four you want potentially means two more humans your partner will no doubt love but possibly feel bitter about. When your fiancee tells you that they want fewer or more kids, never assume that you will change their mind. It is possible that their feelings will change but it’s too important to leave to chance.

It is entirely possible to work out a deal that you will leave the topic open after you are married. Who knows if you will want six kids after you experience having three? Maybe you strike a deal that you will have one child a year after marriage and then revisit the topic. You would both need to be willing to stick to this deal and the spouse who wants more children would need to be willing to reduce their expectation. It would not be fair to marry someone who says they don’t want kids or only wants a couple of children and then coerce them into having kids or having more than they wanted.

There are many people who have unfortunately married others who are not interested in having children, thinking that person will change. This will almost always lead to heartbreak and the dissolution of the marriage.

When deciding if you are ready for marriage, there is no topic more important than this. You have to speak honestly and encourage your mate to do the same. Don’t be surprised if they need some time to think it over. Not everyone dreams of having children, they come to it a bit later in life. Your potential spouse may not have ever really given the topic deep thought. Encourage them to take all the time they need to consider their answer. When they respond with an answer, make sure you completely hear them out. Sometimes, people don’t fully understand the meaning of having a large family. They approach it more technically. They think about the lost weekends with their friends, the money and the more expensive, roomy house. These are all legitimate reasons that qualify the need for time to ponder.

It is also entirely possible that neither of you really know what size family you want. If you don’t already have kids it’s a challenge to imagine life with three or four. Maybe you are both willing to take on one at a time and see how you feel. If you can both truly and honestly accept this plan, then that is a good sign that you are mature enough to consider marriage. Knowing that you both want at least one opens up the door to discussion after the reality of having one arrives.

Marriage and Infidelity

This uncomfortable topic is one that has to be discussed realistically. If you and your potential mate have not dealt with infidelity, now is the time to negotiate the topic. You have the right to set clear boundaries and expect appropriate behavior from your potential spouse. This article is geared toward the female gender simply because the statistics predict that men cheat more often. No offense to any gentleman reading this but women tend to have more fear of dealing with infidelity and are more damaged by it. The advice ahead is meant for any gender though.

If you have never been cheated on you can consider yourself very lucky. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that infidelity touches everyone in some form throughout life. If you have experienced a parent cheating when you were a child or while you were in a relationship, you likely have a tremendous fear of facing that pain. This can carry over into all relationships, causing real problems like extreme jealousy and anxiety. It is very normal to have some fears that your partner could or will cheat on you. Keeping those fears and worries in context is something you have to learn to do. What is important to remember is that you cannot put your childhood issues or previous infidelity experiences on your new partner.

When you are in a committed relationship it should be par for course that you trust your partner until they give you reason not to. We have all known couples where one spouse doesn’t know that they are married to a cheater. You feel sorry for them and you feel the humiliation even if they don’t. You cannot assume that all men are hound dogs. You cannot allow the fear of being the clueless spouse or the last one to know to rule your life or your relationship.

It seems to get to the point with some people that one spouse is so jealous that they fundamentally ruin the future of the relationship with their jealous behaviors. Some of this jealousy may even be justified. For example, if your potential mate has shown behaviors that are questionable and not conducive to a committed relationship, then you have cause to be worried. Ruining your own life by monitoring his is never worth it. The sad fact is that you can never stop another person from cheating. You cannot be with them every minute of the day. Spending your time searching their wallet, clothes or e-mail for clues can drive a person mad. If you have reached this point and are still considering marriage you need to stop and get real with yourself. Marriage doesn’t stop jealousy or cheating — period.

Let’s say for example that you’re engaged to someone that you feel has been loyal and has not given you reason to distrust them. That’s great and the topic can just be left alone. If you are considering marriage to someone who has cheated on you in the past or has behaved in questionable ways, then its time to negotiate. Approach them in a calm manner and lay out what is acceptable to you and what is not. They have the right to do the same. If either of you cannot agree to the terms, then you are not ready for marriage. If there have been previous infidelities from one or both partners, you can heal if it’s dealt with honestly and in fact can come out stronger than ever. You likely have a pretty good idea where you both stand on the topic, thus you know if it’s an issue that needs attention.

Deciding whether you can forgive your partner for former infidelity must come before the wedding. You will not feel differently after the wedding. You know if your mate is sorry and deeply understands the pain they have caused you. If they treat it as “no big deal” or “get over it now,” they are not serious about changing. If this scenario seems familiar you are not ready for marriage. At least not with your current partner.

It’s Not All About You

Negotiation is the most valuable tool any couple preparing for marriage can possess. From the simplest issues to the biggest, all of them can be negotiated into a situation that strengthens your marriage and makes life a happier experience. Everything from daily responsibilities to lifelong goals can be negotiated in a manner where both parties get what they need. It does involve recognizing what is truly important to each person, including giving up a little of what you want to ensure everyone gets what they need.

If you’re involved in a relationship with a person that is not emotionally mature enough to negotiate then you should probably think long and hard about getting married. Merging two lives is complicated enough without having this extremely valuable tool at your disposal. There are some situations when simple negotiation may not meet a couple’s needs. If you encounter this, you likely need a third party to intervene. A premarital counselor can help you both step outside of yourselves and see each other’s side a bit more clearly.

Imagine for a moment that you and your partner are sitting at a table, and tied to a third chair is a healthy, happy relationship. Your job is to negotiate your needs and wants between the two of you so the healthy, happy relationship hostage can be freed. It is the most promising way to release the problems in a proactive way before they can interfere with your relationship. It will require that at least one partner be committed. It’s ideal if both people are completely dedicated to the process, but in reality that may not always be the case. The hope is that once the other party sees how much they can get out of this process they will see the benefit and get involved.

Negotiation may be as a simple as agreeing that you will clean the kitchen but he will take responsibility of taking out the trash. This leaves a clear cut plan to avoid harmful bickering before it can start. This is one simple example, but throughout your engagement and your marriage you can negotiate every issue, even sex.

Negotiating Sex

OK, this may sound weird, but it’s time to address men’s fears about an eventual stale or non-existent sex life, should they get married. It is possible to quell those fears using the art of negotiation. You agree up front to keep the bedroom active and he agrees to speak up if he has needs that are not being met. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should submit every other day, it just means that you will agree to stay engaged and to recognize his needs. In return, he agrees to recognize that there will be times that you are not into it and he gives you a little time and a little extra romance. As awkward as it may seem at first, it’s a realistic way to confront his fears about monogamy and ensure both your needs are met.

Practice makes perfect when it comes to the art of negotiation. You will figure it out as you go. Please post any results or questions on our blog so others may benefit from your experience or help you along.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Communication is an integral component of any successful partnership. Without healthy communication you will continually argue over the same things again and again and never really get to the heart of each issue. If you are currently engaged and suffering from a lack of communication, this must improve or your relationship won’t stand a chance.

Effective communication involves two people who want to listen and resolve issues. One-sided communication is akin to one person rowing a boat. You will go in circles and never reach your destination. You can gauge your communication with one simple question: Do you have the same arguments over and over again? If the answer is yes, you both need a new strategy.

There are three types of communication: aggressive, passive and assertive. Aggressive communication works well for dictators but not for spouses. Passive communication will not allow you to ask for what you want — you will get nothing using this style. Assertive communication is the one you want to aim for. This style allows both of you to state your case, express any needs or feelings you have and say no when something is outside of your comfort zone.

Some tips to remember:

• Avoid using the words “always” or “never”
• Don’t expect your partner to read your mind
• Avoid sarcasm as a defense mechanism
• Don’t curse or name-call under any circumstances

If you follow these guidelines and you make an attempt to truly hear what your partner is saying you can avoid misunderstandings and walk away from your discussions without bitterness and anger. You will finally feel like you are leaving the table with some results. You can also try what is called the “mirror technique.” This will force both of you to fine tune your listening skills. As one partner makes a point the other will state what they just heard them say and then make their point. It may seem silly at first but you will quickly find out that often we don’t hear what the other person is trying to say. We let our own thoughts interfere with our listening. After time this will become a natural routine.