Healthy Arguing

The Importance of Arguing

Some people operate under the false pretense that fighting in a relationship is a sign of weakness or that a good relationship means never fighting. Nothing could be further from the truth. Healthy fighting can clear the fog between a couple and leave them in a better place if done in the right way. On the other hand, unproductive fighting leaves issues unresolved in the end — you find yourself saying the same words over and over again to the point of feeling crazy.

It is a fact that the only control you have is over your own actions and responses. When a fight starts, you have to learn to bite your tongue and let your partner speak and really listen to what they have to say. You will begin to discover that rarely, if ever, is the topic of the fighting the actual issue at hand. You have to learn to listen and control your response until you’re in in the right frame of mind to respond. Sometimes that could be days later. Then you approach your partner, let them know you were listening, take responsibility for your part of the issue and assure them that you will do your part to change things and encourage them to do the same.

You may be thinking your partner isn’t the emotional, touchy feely type. Even if they aren’t, you can convert your partner over time. You will eventually find them using the same technique with you. We all have to get over wanting to win the fight we are in. When a loving, dedicated couple fights it needs to be a fight for the health of the relationship, not so one or the other can be right. I have shared this tactic with friends and almost always I get an e-mail from the skeptics, shocked at how quickly their behavior change morphed into a change from their partner. Fighting is an important part of a relationship and should not be discounted. It is not a signal that you are incompatible, it is a reminder that your both living, breathing, feeling human beings. Remember a few basic principles the next time you are in an argument. Stop, listen, control your response, give some time for thought and respond only when you can truthfully see the real issue and your share of responsibility for it.

There are of course scenarios when your response may be uncontrollable due to extreme anger such as infidelity. This case is of course quite different. You cannot be expected to measure your response when your heart is lying on the floor, broken. In this situation you must immediately become very selfish. That’s right, selfish. Do what you need to survive and look yourself in the mirror in the morning. Almost always this level of anger calls for some time apart. You have to go through the grieving process as a part of your relationship dies in that moment. Outside these more serious scenarios, arguing over little everyday annoyances once in a while can be productive. If you follow this advice with a willing partner you will slowly find that when two people take their share of responsibility or just admit when they are wrong, the ferocity of the argument is reduced from a possible hurricane to a slow breath.

Top Ten No-No’s When Arguing

While all couples argue, disagreements have the potential to become detrimental to a relationship if not handled correctly. Keeping these ten points in mind while feuding with your spouse will keep your arguments healthy and your relationship strong.

1. Pointing Blame - Avoid the word “you” while expressing your point to your partner. Approaching the subject with “I” will ensure a much smoother and less hostile disagreement. Example: “I am hurting because I feel as though I am not getting enough attention.”
2. Name Calling - Calling your partner names is like throwing gasoline on an already lit fire. Not only will it make the argument at hand much more venomous, it will create bitterness that will carry out far longer than the life of the dispute.
3. Shouting - Raising your voice can create unnecessary tension. The initial reaction to shouting is defensiveness, which will prolong the resolution.
4. Cursing - Cursing at your spouse will instantly put them on the defense.
5. Discussing the Problem in the Heat of the Moment - Trying to resolve the matter while tension is at an ultimate high will do nothing to accomplish the ultimate goal - finality through compromise. In the end, it will create a yelling match that will eventually lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
6. Leave the Situation Without Saying You Need a Minute - It is perfectly reasonable to let your partner know that you need some time to think when an argument erupts. It tells your partner that that the disagreement is important to you, and you need some time to think it over rationally. However, walking away from the situation in anger and without warning will give the sense that you have no interest in hearing your partner out.
7. Bring Up Another Argument - You must first resolve one topic before moving to the next.
8. Getting Personal - Do not point out personal flaws or insecurities in your spouse. This will create hurt feelings that could potentially be irreconcilable.
9. Be Overly Expressive - Many people are naturally expressive when they speak. Take care to tone down your body language during an argument, as it opens up the possibility for your partner to feel as though you are much more upset than you actually are.
10. Show Disinterest - Whether you feel the subject matter is important or not, share in the discussion and show your partner that you are interest in their concerns.

Everyone Has Their Say

It is essential that both parties feel as though they have been heard and understood in order to come to a compromise. It is difficult for either partner to let the issue rest until they are at peace with their concerns and feel satisfied with the response they receive.

A tip for making certain that both people have said everything necessary is to incorporate an object into your arguments; a fairy wand, a stick, a ball, etc. Whomever has the object is granted permission to speak without needing to worry that they will be interrupted or spoken over.

The Importance of Conclusion

Concluding an argument is essential in order to carry on a loving, lasting relationship. Failure to resolve a disagreement will create bitterness, as the feelings that have accumulated will only build and stir, forming a wall of resentment between the couple. Without tending to unresolved feelings, you are leaving the door open for the same topic to arise over and over again.

A decided resolution should be made up of compromise, which will build strength in your relationship. Coming to an agreed solution for the issues that are being discussed together will create a bond in your relationship and give you a sense of success as a unit.

Tags: fight healthy, fighting in relationships

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