The Importance of Negotiation and How to do It
It’s Time to Clean House
If you are engaged or are currently trying to gauge if you are ready for marriage and have found the perfect spouse, there is a subject that can cause many arguments. It is a topic that can be negotiated and addressed upfront. You and your potential mate can save yourselves a lot of heartache if you plan for it now. It’s probably not something you would imagine could cause some of the most contentious arguments imaginable — housework and household responsibilities.
Now you may already be living together and have a general idea of the frustration that sets in when two very different people come together under one roof. Let’s say he’s tidy and you’re not. Or, vice-versa. Are you and your partner prepared to change some of your habits? Using the art of negotiation, you can make a plan that sets limits on your own bad habits while respecting both parties’ differences.
Place a sheet of blank paper on a table between you and start the bargaining process. If you take sole responsibility for the kitchen, then the other has to agree to put their dishes in the dishwasher and clean up after themselves. Who will do the yard work? Do you enjoy it? Does your partner? If you both hate it and there is room in your budget, then outsource it. Can’t afford that option? Negotiate a solution that works. Perhaps you can do it together two hours a month. You could even change your landscaping to a less time-consuming set up. The point here is that there is always middle ground.
You are one of those people who makes your bed every day, but your partner figures “Why make it, you’re just going to sleep in it again?” Maybe in this scenario you choose not to fight it and take that responsibility on your own. What will likely end up happening is that over time, your partner will get so used to the tidy look that they will find themself straightening up the bed if you forget. Your behavior changes their behavior without them even realizing. Worst case scenario? You make the bed for 50 years and skip the potentially constant fight over it.
The piece of paper between you is a great tool for visually backing up your plan. Once you allow each other to take on their strengths and negotiate each other’s weaknesses into a workable plan, you are both most likely going to stick to it.
Always keep in mind one very important point: Approach your partner when you are not fighting about the dishes. Approach them at a time when things are cool and calm. Convince them that you’re going to hold up your end of the bargain. Often we will be pleasantly surprised at just how willing people are to negotiate when approached correctly, fairly and calmly.
Give and Take
It’s all too often that people think signing a piece of paper, making a toast and eating some cake in front of family and friends will solidify your devotion to each other. In most cases this is a fallacy. There is no magic paper on which your marriage license or vows are written that can produce these results alone. The relationship you have prior to the wedding is the relationship you will have after, unless you and your partner are willing to accept certain responsibilities and make your expectations known. If your partner is not willing to address this in a proactive way, it’s unlikely you will see major changes. However, you can try altering your behavior to see positive results in yourself and hopefully in your partner.
You have probably heard a million times that people don’t change but circumstances do, that is only half true. People change, but normally it’s not due to pressure from a loved one. Circumstances change people! People change their behavior everyday. When certain types of behavior don’t lead to results, you change them. If eating cake three times a day causes you to gain weight you switch to better food. When a behavior isn’t postively reinforced, people change that behavior more often than not.
Your job as a spouse is to never attempt to force change on your partner but to command change within yourself first. You are the one who decides how someone will treat you, and it’s your responsibility to teach everyone in your life how to treat you. If your mate gets the reaction they want out of you by yelling, than they will continue to yell to get what they want. So never compromise your self-worth when compromising for marriage.
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